Date #21

The Formula For Body Confidence

The events described in dates 19 and 20 - the public meeting and the high ropes course - led to a big shift in how I see and manage Cavebrain. Of course, everything else I have done as described in dates #1 to #18 was also integral to what happened next too. You don’t have to publicly call out a nasty public servant or try to climb 50ft in the air to achieve body confidence.

I recorded my thoughts a couple of days after the high ropes day out. Please be aware that I made this audio early in the morning (when I tend to get alot of insights and epiphanies) , hence my speech is a little slow.

The phrase I was searching for at the end is the felt sense

Also if you are not in the UK, the term GP = family doctor

If the audio player does not work, copy and paste this address into the browser:

What Was The Shaking All About?

The shaking meant that I was exiting the freeze response I went into at Go Ape. Please see this page if you want to know more about it.

Could This Be The Formula For Body Confidence?

From everything I have learnt about Cavebrain through the BCP, what follows is the formula I have created for body confidence. Please note that this is its first incarnation, and it may change as I discuss it with BCP participants and develop my thinking further.

Acceptance + Resilience = Body Confidence

Let's explore both elements in turn:


This means answering Cavebrain’s question - Does the tribe accept me? with a definite YES. It does not matter whether you feel like the black sheep of your family, or you don’t get on with many people at work or you have no friends. We can control the messages we send Cavebrain. Our socially diffuse and often tribeless society is actually helpful here because there are multiple tribes you can join.

What Dates Help Us to Tell Cavebrain That The Tribe Accepts Us?
#1 Role Models
#3 She Looks Great
#9 Mirror Work
#14 Desire Triggers
#16 The Clothes Expedition

All links are at the foot of the page


Developing resilience means answering Cavebrains’ other question - Am I in immediate danger? - with this statement:

If so, I can respond.

I can handle myself.

This means two things: being able to respond to both physical and non-physical threats (as Cavebrain sees them). And giving yourself permission to stand up to those threats.


Handling Yourself - Non-Physically

As I have stated before, for most of us, the actual 'threats' will be mostly non-physical: standing up to workplace bullies and passive-aggressive people, overbearing relatives and so on.

Which Dates Help Us Tell Cavebrain We Can Handle Non-Physical Threats?
#13 - Better Posture
#17 - Resilience Not Safety
#18 Healthy Boundaries
#19 Speak Your Truth
#20 Feel The Fear and Calm Down Cavebrain Anyway

All links are at the foot of the page

Handling Yourself Physically
Cavebrain absolutely loves it when I increase the effort of my physical activity. I have never been in a fight in my life, and even though I can count the number of times I have literally fled from danger on one hand, Cavebrain seems unaware of this. It still feels better if it thinks I am ready to deal with physical threats.

And if you are worrying that being more physically resilient means getting a black belt in judo or training for a marathon, let me remind you that I am a 48-year-old menopausal woman for whom aching legs are a normal thing, who has on/off mobility problems, for whom a 30 minute walk is really hard work. I love going to the gym for what it has done for my Cavebrain, but it is primarily physical therapy for my joints. I never, repeat, NEVER break a sweat on those resistance machines.

Calming Cavebrain down has absolutely nothing to do with attaining a certain level of fitness. It has everything to do with increasing your physical effort *just a bit* and regularly keeping that effort up.


Which Dates Help Us Tell Cavebrain We Can Handle Physical Threats?
#5 Ideals and Effort
#6 Motivation
#13 Better Posture
#17 Resilience Not Safety
#20 Feel The Fear and Calm Down Cavebrain Anyway

Links at the foot of the page


My adventures in both building more healthy boundaries and increasing the effort of my physical activity have done ALOT to get Cavebrain to relax. It now knows through my actions that my conscious brain has a “We can handle it” attitude.

Body Confidence springs not from shedding weight, not from faking it til you make it, but from getting your Cavebrain to relax.

What I have just typed here on this sunny autumn morning is I feel one of the most important things I have ever written. I really want to know it makes sense. Please let me know any unanswered questions you have or if anything is unclear. Tell me any points you disagree with me about - it will help me develop my thinking here. My email is info (at)

What To Do On This Date

#1 Email me if there is anything you want to ask, as explained in the last section.

#2 Make a list of the dates you have done that have helped you develop (a) acceptance and (b) resilience - physical or non physical.

#3 Make a list of any dates you have missed out, or want to revisit. Put them in your diary - otherwise you know that they will fall by the wayside.


OK, those last four dates were possibly quite intense for you.

The next couple of dates will be much more straightforward and light.

And now, beacuse you have earnt it BIG TIME, it’s time for a good laugh...